Travel is such an education. It’s often said that it can be the greatest test of compatibility and should perhaps be a pre-requisite to ‘marriage’!  For me, some of the best ‘lessons’ have come from the people I’ve met along my journey and contemplating our behaviour.

I was intrigued to discover the masks around people I thought I knew reasonably well. It was like meeting ‘old’ friends or colleagues for the first time. Between us, either they or I had donned ‘masks’. Behind these masks lay a depth of engagement and interests that were previously foreign to me. The masks ranged from my feeling intimidated and therefore limiting my conversation around topics which were ‘safe’ for me, to my thinking that perhaps the other party was ‘closed’ to me for some reason.

It has been a joy to discover the gems that lay behind the ‘masks’ and it got me thinking about how many people either hide behind certain masks or for myself, what ‘masks’ I wear in different situations and how that could affect my level of engagement.

At work and at home, for example, what presumptions do we make about another’s behaviour, ability or judgment? Are we overshadowing an employee or child by being too directive or too imprecise? How do we come across to those with whom we have little rapport vs. those with whom we easily relate? Do we side with some and antagonize others? And do we really know the people we think we know? Our challenge is to ‘get behind the mask’ and discover who that person really is so we can understand, appreciate and better relate to them.

“There is a face beneath this mask, but it isn’t me.

I’m no more that face than I am the muscles beneath it, or the bones beneath that.” 

― Steve Moore

When we compare memories with siblings/ friends/colleagues about a shared experience, we often discover that each remembers things very differently. I may recall that it was a fun event but for the other it was a nightmare experience.

And so it is with masks. Like the majority of us, I wear a number of different ‘masks’ according to my environment and circumstance. If I were to gather together the people I know I’m sure they’d consider me quite a kaleidoscope of ingredients!

“One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” 

― K.L. Toth

At times our masks can be a self-protective camouflage, and at others a façade or curtain that we may raise or let fall according to our degree of dis/comfort or the degree to which we wish to reveal ourselves.

I’m reminded of a behavioural model called ‘The Johari Window’ (from Joseph & Harry) which describes both our public and private selves, and demonstrates:

The parts of me I know and show,

The parts of me I know and choose not to show ….

Notice your masks: both serious and playful; limiting and engaging…then switch them around a little….or dare to remove them altogether!

When we employ a mask we tend to de-personalise ourselves by hiding our vulnerability by changing our behaviour, ‘putting on a brave face’ or conceal a pretend toughness or repress and emotion or a condition where we think that by doing so we can conceal or silence it.

When we do this, just think how many more layers our real self has to pass through – and the effect that can have on those with whom we live, work and play?

Who am I behind the mask?

“Don’t you, when strangers and friends come to call, straighten the cushions, kick the books under the bed and put away the letter you were writing?

How many of us want any of us to see us as we really are?

Isn’t the mirror hostile enough?” 

― Jeanette Winterson

So this all begs the question:

• Do you really know who you are relating to at work and at home?
• Do you know who you really are?
• What are your masks?
• When you do don them?
• Choose someone who grates you and discover their masks ..

By discovering and realizing your masks your relationship dynamics and behaviour change. This enables you to look at people, things and situations with ‘fresh eyes’ – and recognize opportunities and solutions that you may previously have been blind to…Buy some ‘rose-coloured spectacles’ and have fun practicing!

Brene Brown studies exactly this, and has a wonderful TED Talk about the power of vulnerability:

It’s well worth a look as she’s has amounted many years of scientific research into the human connection.

SO, when you wonder:

“Who am I really?” or feel that you’ve lost your ‘Mojo’ in the busyness and demands of ‘Life’ engage with a coach!

“You’ll never know who you are unless you shed who you pretend to be.” 

―Vironika Tugaleva

We all need a ‘Go To’ person that can help us realise our potential.

In my experience, I find it enables me to clarify my situation and help facilitate a solution that provides me credence to who I am and honours that unique individual that is me!

It’d be great to talk with you and help you kick-start your journey.

Please contact Jane Butler on 021-732-230 Email jane@outoftherut.co.nz or visit www.outoftherut.co.nz

References:

Luft,J. and Ingham, H. (1955). The Johari Window: a graphic model for interpersonal relations, University of California

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Just to refresh your memory, I defined the difference between coaching and counselling as being, roughly, that coaching is about moving forward from the present: Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Let’s make a plan to get there! Whereas counselling focuses more on your past and healing emotional pain or conflict.

Real life examples of coaching out of a relationship rut

Below are outlined real-life situations of couples I have had the pleasure of working with. Each couple faced different pressures and stresses on their partnerships but, with coaching, all were able to find a way out of their rut.

Please note – all names and identifying information has been changed to protect identities. But the stories are shared with permission from my clients, with the hope that someone else may also learn from their experience. 

“Jen” and “Paul”

Jen and Paul had been struggling for some time after Jen had had an affair years ago and Paul couldn’t forgive her for it. He was taking every opportunity to remind her of how she had strayed and was questioning how he was expected to trust her. Paul was initially reluctant to “go to counselling”, but coming to Out of the Rut for “couples coaching” didn’t carry the same stigma for Paul.

When there is a foundation of love remaining within a relationship, and once both parties have clearly agreed that is so, and both have chosen to work towards resolution, then step-by-step, with some tools and techniques in their kitbag, they are able to resolve their issues and move forward on a positive footing to create a renewed life together.

Jen and Paul have found a new way to communicate and take responsibility for each raising any differences or misunderstandings as they occur. This has led to the couple happily moving forward and living their dream.

“Sophie” and “Nick”

“Well, you’re cheaper than a lawyer, so we thought we’d try you first!” this is what Sophie and Nick said to me at our first meeting.

With Nick on shift work and Sophie left to grow their small children and develop a start-up business, it was again about establishing whether there was ‘enough’ in the relationship for them to want to re-invent it, or whether they needed a ‘strategic withdrawal’ from each other.

Neither option was an easy one. Sophie and Nick chose to manage their differences and re-evaluate their lives to create a happier balance. They are still together ten years down the track.

“Todd” and “Natalie”

Getting married, relocating, setting up a new business, buying a property and having children all rolled in together to make this couple’s lives extra challenging.

Todd and Natalie were experiencing significantly stressful life-changing events, and it was about understanding their individual strengths, prioritising their time, and making sure they put aside fun family time to maintain a perspective on what they wanted and needed to achieve.

This couple developed successful businesses and have grown together happily as a family. Their life is not without its stresses, but with good communication and understanding the different ways they go about doing things, they have worked out effective solutions for maintaining a good balance in their lives and relationship.

What can we take from these stories?

In all of the cases, the couples had got to a point where their relationship was really suffering or (in the case of “Sophie” and “Nick) at crisis point. Even from those points of real difficulty, with effective coaching, the couples have been able to move forward in their lives together.* 

As with all things however, earlier intervention can often make for easier resolution, so it is generally better not to let things get to ‘make or break’ stage before you do something about it. Little ‘niggles’ when left unresolved, can become far greater obstacles than they need to be.

Some people feel sheepish about seeking help, but it really is true that, as coaches, we have seen it all before. You are normal! And it is great to ask for help.

And lastly, there is wisdom in the old saying – the more you invest in your relationships, the more valuable they become.

If you want to learn new skills to help reach your goals, give me a call today.

* And, just to clarify, coaching doesn’t come from a position which assumes staying together is the only or best outcome. Coaching will help clarify where you want to get to, together or separately, and help you develop an actionable plan to make it happen.

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It’s a question that comes up from time to time with clients, and often causes some debate – even amongst coaches and counsellors!

So what is the difference between relationship coaching and marriage counselling for example?

Couples coaching and couples counselling?

And is relationship coaching just about an intimate relationship or can it involve friends, peers and colleagues as well? (Yes of course! ‘Relationship’ means the way in which two or more people are connected or the state of being connected).

‘Coaching’ versus ‘Counselling’

How these terms are defined and where the ‘line’ between them lies varies depending on the source, but the general rule of thumb is that coaching is about moving forward from the present: Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Let’s make a plan to get there! Whereas counselling tends to focus more on your past and healing emotional pain or conflict

More of the many distinctions between the two include:

• Coaching focuses on actions that will unlock your potential and enable you to move forward in your relationship, career and life. Counselling deals with your feelings and emotions.
• Coaches introduce you to new skills to enable you to realise your goals. Counsellors or therapists help improve your emotional state by resolving old issues.
• With coaching the process provide speedy change and personal growth and development that empowers change, where counselling may be slower and more time-consuming to work through because it can be more emotional with dysfunctional behaviours to address.

From a ‘pure’ definition, what I offer through Out of the Rut is coaching – where a number of different models and practices are made available according to the situation presented. As a neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) Master Practitioner there is naturally a strong focus on using NLP models and practices.

However, there certainly are grey areas between coaching and counselling, and practitioners will inevitably crossover between them, when appropriate. As a fully-trained Occupational Therapist with several years’ experience in the psychiatric field, my qualifications cover both coaching and counselling practices.

So, whatever your situation or dilemma, whether personal, business or professional if you would like to talk to me about a personalised approach for getting your relationship, career or life ‘out of the rut, I’d love to hear from you.

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Have you come across the term EQ? Well, emotional quotient (EQ, for short) is a term describing the ability to:

• distinguish between different emotions or feelings (in yourself and others);
• label or ‘name’ those emotions appropriately; and
• use that information to guide your own thinking and behavior.

The better you are at performing those tasks, the higher your ‘EQ’. Sometimes it’s also referred to as emotional intelligence (or EI, for short).

So, why does it matter?

As individuals our success in our personal lives and working relationships often depends on our ability to read other people’s signals and react appropriately to them. It’s often tied up with good mental health, job performance, marriage or relationship satisfaction, and much more.

Which leads me on to an excellent book I read recently on the topic of EQ…

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Following on from Hannah McQueen’s new book which I wrote about recently, I thought I’d recommend some more inspiring books that I’ve found really useful, starting with “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves.

For those of us who find that emotion tends to get in the way of being objective, here is a great book to measure your ‘EQ’ across four core EQ skills:

1. self-awareness
2. self-management
3. social awareness and
4. relationship management

The great thing is that you can measure your own level of skill in each of these areas and then refer to the strategies in each category to further develop those skills.

Now is the time to work on yourself rather than be absorbed in the traps that inhibit our true potential and effectiveness both at home and at work. This great book also keeps you accountable by enabling you to measure your progress further down the track!

If you’d like to know more about this, or discuss your EQ, I’d love to hear from you!

Until next time…

~ Jane

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The map is not the territory

The saying ‘the map is not the territory’ refers to an important neurolinguistic programming (NLP) concept. It conveys the idea that the way we see the world isn’t reality itself. We don’t respond to reality. We respond to our internalised map of reality. How we represent things are our interpretations – and interpretations may or may not be accurate.

When we have inadequate maps, we don’t see all our options; re-mapping is an important problem-solving strategy. Our language reflects the maps and models we use to guide our behaviour, and our communication is how we interpret ‘the world’ as we see it and explain it to others.

If you ask several different people how they define a particular term, such as ‘critical’ for example, it’s likely you will receive a different answer from all of them.

The Blind Men and the Elephant

A good way to look at this is the through John Godfrey Saxe’s 1873 version of the famous Indian legend ‘The Blind Men and the Elephant’…

• The man touching the trunk believes it to be a snake
• The man touching the tusk believes it to be a spear
• The man touching the ear believes it to be a fan
• The man touching the elephant’s side believes it to be a wall
• The man touching the tail believes it to be a rope
• The man touching the legs believes they are trees

Conclusions?

What conclusions can we draw from this? Simply, words can mean very different things to different people. What you mean by ‘critical’ may mean something very different to your work colleague or loved one. As a result the outcomes you get can be influenced greatly by how you communicate.

What can you do to create a shared ‘map’, so that on a project, or in a relationship, everyone can be ‘going in the same direction’?

If you are interested in more styles of communication and their effects on others, please contact me. And in the meantime, watch out for how people respond to what you say, and consider how you’re saying it.

Elephant diagram courtesy of http://www.noogenesis.com/pineapple/blind_men_elephant.html – and this same website has a good version of the legend ‘The Blind Men and the Elephant’ for those who are interested.

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Sometimes we find ourselves being ‘difficult’ and more often, when we’re honest, we can tend to think it’s the ‘other party’! Here are 24 down-to-earth, practical lessons for bringing out the best in everyone. Some things you’ll find you do automatically, and others will lead you toward far more fulfilling and creative relationships through understanding the 10 most unwanted behaviours, the intent behind them, and solutions to bring out the best in most people at their worst.

Remember, we always have choice – so find out your natural default pattern so you can manage others effectively.

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For example, there are often many ways to approach a task, but we may fail to recognise this, and expect others to follow the same approach as ourselves. Or we may feel stress when another person expects us to follow their approach. A person who needs to take 10 minutes to consider their next job may feel pressure if they work under a manager who likes to see action from the get-go.

Don’t work to please others, because you never will. Be true to yourself, and you will get the results required and be appreciated for what you have achieved.

Many corporations get staff to take tests which help identify the way they work and their personality type. The very self-aware don’t need an expert to tell them that they prioritise research, or that they are an “ideas person”, but many of us need a helping hand to recognise ourselves and how to make the most of our traits.

If you recognise that you are a planner and that your life partner is a spur-of-the-moment person, your next holiday is likely to run more smoothly if you both talk about it and agree on a plan that suits you both (a couple of scheduled days and a few days to go with the flow?).

In the workplace, colleagues with completely different approaches to getting things done have to do just that.

At its best, difference allows us to bring an array of skills and ideas to a task. A group of people of different strengths who respect each other can deliver amazing results. Even differences, which on first glance leave you disempowered, can be transformed to your advantage.

A promising young salesman was frustrated by his boss’s reluctance to let him develop in his job. What to do? He decided to be accountable to himself, developing his connections and taking opportunities for further education. Not only did he feel more empowered, but he had a lot to offer the next time he applied for a job. He went on to be a very successful team leader and advocate for creating opportunities for new recruits in the workplace.

Managing a relationship challenged by differences requires you to take responsibility for the outcome you want. Be clear about your expectations, and explain to the other person what it is that you want to achieve and how you plan to go about it. Get their buy-in before you progress.

Contact me for further information on managing difference.

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