How to coach your way out of a relationship rut

Recently I wrote a blog about the difference between coaching and counselling from a theoretical viewpoint. I thought I’d follow this up with examples of the practical application – how coaching can turn relationship, and life, difficulties around.

Just to refresh your memory, I defined the difference between coaching and counselling as being, roughly, that coaching is about moving forward from the present: Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Let’s make a plan to get there! Whereas counselling focuses more on your past and healing emotional pain or conflict.

Real life examples of coaching out of a relationship rut

Below are outlined real-life situations of couples I have had the pleasure of working with. Each couple faced different pressures and stresses on their partnerships but, with coaching, all were able to find a way out of their rut.

Please note – all names and identifying information has been changed to protect identities. But the stories are shared with permission from my clients, with the hope that someone else may also learn from their experience. 

“Jen” and “Paul”

Jen and Paul had been struggling for some time after Jen had had an affair years ago and Paul couldn’t forgive her for it. He was taking every opportunity to remind her of how she had strayed and was questioning how he was expected to trust her. Paul was initially reluctant to “go to counselling”, but coming to Out of the Rut for “couples coaching” didn’t carry the same stigma for Paul.

When there is a foundation of love remaining within a relationship, and once both parties have clearly agreed that is so, and both have chosen to work towards resolution, then step-by-step, with some tools and techniques in their kitbag, they are able to resolve their issues and move forward on a positive footing to create a renewed life together.

Jen and Paul have found a new way to communicate and take responsibility for each raising any differences or misunderstandings as they occur. This has led to the couple happily moving forward and living their dream.

“Sophie” and “Nick”

“Well, you’re cheaper than a lawyer, so we thought we’d try you first!” this is what Sophie and Nick said to me at our first meeting.

With Nick on shift work and Sophie left to grow their small children and develop a start-up business, it was again about establishing whether there was ‘enough’ in the relationship for them to want to re-invent it, or whether they needed a ‘strategic withdrawal’ from each other.

Neither option was an easy one. Sophie and Nick chose to manage their differences and re-evaluate their lives to create a happier balance. They are still together ten years down the track.

“Todd” and “Natalie”

Getting married, relocating, setting up a new business, buying a property and having children all rolled in together to make this couple’s lives extra challenging.

Todd and Natalie were experiencing significantly stressful life-changing events, and it was about understanding their individual strengths, prioritising their time, and making sure they put aside fun family time to maintain a perspective on what they wanted and needed to achieve.

This couple developed successful businesses and have grown together happily as a family. Their life is not without its stresses, but with good communication and understanding the different ways they go about doing things, they have worked out effective solutions for maintaining a good balance in their lives and relationship.

What can we take from these stories?

In all of the cases, the couples had got to a point where their relationship was really suffering or (in the case of “Sophie” and “Nick) at crisis point. Even from those points of real difficulty, with effective coaching, the couples have been able to move forward in their lives together.* 

As with all things however, earlier intervention can often make for easier resolution, so it is generally better not to let things get to ‘make or break’ stage before you do something about it. Little ‘niggles’ when left unresolved, can become far greater obstacles than they need to be.

Some people feel sheepish about seeking help, but it really is true that, as coaches, we have seen it all before. You are normal! And it is great to ask for help.

And lastly, there is wisdom in the old saying – the more you invest in your relationships, the more valuable they become.

If you want to learn new skills to help reach your goals, give me a call today.

* And, just to clarify, coaching doesn’t come from a position which assumes staying together is the only or best outcome. Coaching will help clarify where you want to get to, together or separately, and help you develop an actionable plan to make it happen.